Another Christmas has come and gone. As I ponder the ghosts of Christmases past, I find that I have spent a good portion of the holidays in that most traditional of pastimes. No, not stringing cranberries and popcorn on threads with which to decorate the Yule Tree. That only leads to bloodshed. I am referring to a far more traditional practice, one that is deeply ingrained in the holiday psyche: Watching Movies.
Before we proceed, two notes of caution. One, if you are expecting reviews of movies such as "It's a Wonderful Life," or "Miracle on 34th Street," you are probably reading the wrong blog. Just sayin'. Two, this post is full of spoilers. So if you have not seen these movies, you can't say I didn't warn you. With that out of the way, let us move on to four of my favorite Christmas movies. You may be surprised by some of my choices, but I believe that I can justify each as a bona fide holiday treasure. So, without further ado or cautions, let's get to it.
Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Christmas" is not actually a Tim Burton film. True, it is based on one of his stories, and he produced it, but it was directed by Henry Selick with a musical score by Danny Elfman. Still, the movie has all the hallmarks of Burton's work. The creepy world view, the delightfully gruesome characters, the macabre goofiness that makes up a good Burton film, all the key elements are here.
Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town, is suffering a crisis of faith. Another Halloween has come and gone; the same old thing, year after year. Sure, he is great at what he does, but the joy has gone out of it all. While taking a long walk to commune with his sorrows, Jack discovers a magical glen in a grim forest. Trees encircle the glen, and each tree has a magic door. Jack opens a door shaped and decorated like a Christmas tree. He is promptly sucked through the open door, beginning his magical journey into the underworld. Joseph Campbell would have approved.
The Pumpkin King falls and twirls through a vortex of Christmas images, popping out in the twinkling, snowy landscape of Christmas Town. The game is now afoot. Everything he sees is unique, wonderful, and enchanting. Jack has a new purpose. He will bring the news of Christmas back to Halloween Town and, together with his gruesome minions, he will remake Christmas. It will be better, more amazing, and, well, a lot weirder.
Things do not, of course, go according to plan. The citizens of Halloween Town can't be other than they are. The toys they produce are horrific, the new Santa sleigh is a coffin mounted on skids, and the reindeer are skeletons. Pretty wonderful stuff. The real Santa Claus is kidnapped (Santa-napped?) by sawed-off henchmen. Despite dire warnings from Sally, the wonderful love interest, Jack persists with his crazy plans for a new and improved Christmas. The bad guy captures Santa, Christmas is in jeopardy, and all could be lost.
But fear not. In the end, the Christmas Artillery shoots Jack from the sky before he can do too much damage. Santa is freed from the clutches of the villain, and, in the nick (Saint Nick, get it?) of time, Santa saves the day. Yay! Christmas is saved! Jack realizes his true purpose. He is the Pumpkin King. He will make the next Halloween the best ever; scarier, wilder, more gruesome than anything anyone has ever seen. In the final scene, Jack Skellington achieves redemption. And that, Children, is what a good Christmas movie is all about.
Willie T. Soke is not just a bad Santa; he is the worst Santa imaginable. Willie, played to the hilt by Billy Bob Thornton, embodies everything that is antithetical to Santa-like behavior. First, Willie drinks excessively. Which is to say that Willie drinks all of the time. This fact is established very quickly in the opening scene of this holiday classic. Aside from having a serious substance abuse issue, our Bad Santa is a safe-cracker. His abusive father taught him the skill, when he wasn't putting out lit cigarettes on young Willie's neck. Suffice it to say that Willie has some issues, not the least of which are questionable sexual practices in Women's Big and Tall.
Santa has a sidekick. Everyone loves an Elf, and this movie features a doozy. Marcus is a dwarf. Or maybe a midget. Little People, that's what they like to be called. But he doesn't have the fat sausage fingers, as John Ritter's character is quick to explain to Bernie Mac. That's right folks, you have Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, John Ritter, and Bernie Mac tearing this film up. But I digress.
Marcus may be little, but he is the brains of the operation. He has a larcenous streak a mile wide. Every year, he and Willie pull the the same caper. The Santa and Elf team work a department store right up until Christmas Eve. When the store closes down the locked safe is stuffed with holiday loot. That is when Willie and Marcus do their real work. Mini-Marcus disables the alarm, and Willie gets busy cracking the safe. The next holiday season, it's a new town and a new mall.
Willie's life takes a dramatic turn when he meets a woman; a bartender, naturally. She likes him just the way he is, which is very sweet, and very weird. Then, of course, there is a Kid. Christmas movie, right? Except this kid, Thurman Merman, is easily the weirdest child to ever grace an Xmas Flick. The scene is set for Willie to become more than just a horrible misrepresentation of Santa Claus. In the end, despite all of his issues, Willie T. Soke has the chance to become the representation of the true Santa. He also gets shot by the police in the process, but that is beside the point.
Bad Santa is transformed into Good Santa. He overcomes selfishness and greed. In one desperate, senseless act, an act which involves a police chase, Willie embodies all that is good about the spirit of the holidays. Bad Santa also gets a little jail time for his trouble. But he achieves redemption. Hey, there it is again, the concept of redemption. Maybe we are on to something here.
Our next Christmas Classic is "Die Hard." Before you start in, allow me to quote my friend Nathan: "There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who think Die Hard is a Christmas movie, and those that are wrong." There you have it. Our hero decorates a dead guy with the words "Now I have a machine gun. Ho Ho Ho." How much more Christmas-y can you get, I ask you? Get over it, already. "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie and that is that.
John McClane is a New York City cop. He is on his way to Los Angeles in an attempt to patch things up with his estranged wife. And it's Christmas time. He arrives in the City of Angels just in time to attend a Christmas party being thrown at his wife's tony office building. The backstory is barely established when the bad guys show up. Yes Sir, you have a lone cop, a very tall building, and a bunch of heavily armed bad guys. Here we go.
The baddest of the bad guys, Hans Gruber, is played by Alan Rickman. Rickman is, in a word, amazing. That holds true for the entire cast of the film. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is chewing on the scenery like it's a Sharknado Remake. Truly, this cast makes Val Kilmer look like a potted plant, which is no mean feat. The thing is, they are doing it so wonderfully that the viewer doesn't mind. It is all part of the fun.
So, bad guys arrive, bad things start to happen. John McClane is all alone, barefoot, and with only a few bullets. Despite the odds, our hero starts thinning the herd of bad guys. He gets the aforementioned machine gun. Ho Ho Ho, Christmas presents! Hans Gruber sticks to the plan, even when the building is surrounded by LA's Finest. He has some nasty surprises in store for the cops. Christmas, the season of surprises! But John McClane is screwing things up, getting more and more annoying as he kills off Hans' henchmen. What to do?
Meanwhile, John has a radio. He establishes contact with one of the LA cops. This is his only link to the world outside the high rise trap that he finds himself in. When a pair of psycho FBI agents take over the crime scene, things quickly go from very bad to much worse. Things explode, hostages scream and run around like wayward elves, and the film rolls to a climax.
In the end, John McClane gets (you guessed it) redemption. He realizes how he has screwed up his marriage. Killing a bunch of Euro-trash bad guys, saving his wife from Hans; it makes everything clear for John. The happy couple are reconciled, the buddy cop saves the day, and all is well. Roll credits and let us queue up another holiday classic...
Our last Christmas movie is the classic Sci-Fi adventure "Aliens." Stop that, I can hear you. Before you get all up in arms, I want you to know that I consulted some experts on this one. My friend Demetrios, who has a degree in Christmasology, offered up some well-reasoned insights. He writes: "It’s always winter in space and Santa’s coordinates this Christmas season are out of this world." See, that's pretty convincing stuff. If that were not enough, he penned the following tagline: "The naughty little aliens won’t see him or his reindeer bring “love and peace” all over the galaxy this holiday season." In addition to that compelling evidence, I have the endorsement of my friend Delf. He writes: "Blood plus bike equals red and green." I have no idea what that means, but there you have it.
Back to our holiday movie. Ripley, accompanied by her intrepid crew of Space Marines, descends to a very wintery-looking planet. Winter equals snow, and snow is like Christmas. Their mission is to rescue a group of space settlers, who have not been heard from in some time. A rescue is like a Christmas present, right? So there's that. They don't find the settlers. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. It's quiet; too quiet. But, lo and behold, they discover Newt, the little girl. Now we have a Kid, which is a big part of any Christmas movie. Newt is like a psychologically damaged Elf. Ripley needs to save Newt. That makes Ripley Newt's Santa Claus. You see? Now we are getting into the Holiday Spirit.
Of course, there is the small problem of the Aliens. The thing is, the Aliens are meant to represent the Grinch, if the Grinch were ten feet tall and had acid for blood. The Aliens, like the Grinch, are trying to steal Christmas. They want to do bad things to Ripley and Newt. They do manage to do a lot of very bad things to the Space Marines. Ripley defends Christmastime with some special toys, including a robot suit from which she fights the bad Grinch. Later, wearing a traditional holiday costume of a wife-beater and the most ill-fitting panties in the galaxy, she settles in for a long winter's nap. There is a momentary setback when the Grinch reappears, but everything is set right in the end. Ripley saves Newt, saves Christmas, and achieves redemption by vanquishing the Grinch forever. Obviously Ripley wasn't counting on the many sequels to follow, but those pathetic cash-grabs aren't Christmas movies so we do not need to concern ourselves with them.
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There you have it, Folks; four classic Christmas films. Next holiday season, plan ahead and have these movies on hand. They are sure to make that special day Hollier and Jollier. From Vienna, I am wishing you a wonderful and resolution-free New Year. Be well, be happy, be kind, and remember to giggle out loud.
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